The Detective's Diary might be perhaps my real starting point in making stories. Everytime I re-read it from the beginning or in the middle. Make me felt like this rush of excitement I used to have after posting a new entry in it, which I kinda miss overtime.

But after taking breaks, re-reading those parts. I noticed a change in the narrative which I can't really tell yet that I liked it or how it evolved. And even if I feel there is few mistakes I wouldn't have changed it anyway.

I know there is too much information, no exact structure to follow through..

I know I'm deconstructing my own work now, but I can't really stop thinking about where I was in those moments. Writing a cop story might have been an escape phase for me. Since I was struggling with a criminal that stole us so much. And I wanted a solace of justice in my mind somewhere, feeling accomplishment or anything as a 'win'.

Something or anything that keep me happy even in these harsh times.

Funny enough, I don't have this anger to do anything like I did back than today. Since I won my case against my landlord and all that. It's just weird to think I manage to break my limit in that period of my life. Throwing all or nothing in it and just trying to make sense after.

I sorta miss this, yet I feel I cannot do that. It might give me a false idea of what I aim for, and cause me a degrading effect on my psyche or anything. Regression is something I read in psychology books, it's not fun to think about but I'm glad I did research that.

Etc, I feel this phase was necessary for me in a way. Managing my frustration and placing it permanently into a piece of story that is fiction. Having a hero that face people who do wrong and can do the right thing even at any cost.

John W. Colts is a great character to me, I wish I handled him better in his either backstory or future. But I'm not even sad with what I did so for. The only struggle I have with his story, is that he no more feels like a lone wolf with his people around. Which I am not ready yet to figure out their involvements.

It's been around 6 months... I still barely know what to do with Cass and Jim.

The dynamic in the discussions and all those small things that I don't think I really thing through. Ah, it might be time to give it a go again. But I don't want to make things seem blend or forced. God I am so hesitant to try this other side of story telling. Slice of life isn't my cup of tea.

But I included it to John for his sake of not feeling too much alone or die inside before I introduced them here. I am in this in between states. I want him to be alone, yet I don't want him to feel that alone.

And it's okay to not make everything perfect to be honest. I feel at this point, I will have no choice but to try whatever came in my head when its occurs to me. Plus I have a major side character I took time to craft in those 6 months. That need to be added in soon.

I should write the whole segment to myself, and then think what works and probably doesn't for me.

I'm tired to walk in limbo right now, I hope I make something that feels right for John and to end it in a way that is bringing answers or some feelings that is legitimate.

It's time for me to finish this one. I had to one day, maybe not today or in six months or etc. But I need to finish one of my story first to start with a real new one.

Can't give up that easy no more.