Poem: Rainbow after storm.

I desire to love her more than myself, to gift her my heart and share a part of my time with her.

But love, is an union of two souls that desire one another.

If I go in that path, and fail.. I fear that the pain will be greater than ever.

So I fear to accept my feelings for her, not because I am a coward.

But because I know that loving someone who hurt you is wrong.

It's like giving the keys to your home to a thief and you expect nothing bad will happen.

And I have been robbed before in many ways, so feeling secure is more important than my heart.

My soul is broken for being alone, but yet..

Am I alone really?

Am I the only one to suffer the oppression of the world?

I doubt I am the exception, and I wish she notice me for what I worth really.

She is like a sunshine, and I am the storm..

But like any storm, here comes the thunder.

Like lightning that strike on earth, I tried to talk to her.

But she hides, rather than showing herself to the rain.

If I was different, maybe she would care..

Maybe she would look at me a different way than this.

So I become a rainbow, and than she see me differently. Without fear.

But was she really the one for me?

Does women prefer rainbow than a storm?

I guess I can't know the answer yet.

Poem: Saving the existence of me.

I am not the one who can save anyone, but I wish I was.

I sworn to protect those I love, with no fear in my heart.

This fire is burning inside of me, telling me how much I hate what I had done.

When I have failed you and made you cry.

And when I have lost you through time..

There is no escape from this mistake..

It is more than I can take..

I wish you were fine and I still swallow my feelings to this day..

Hating that moment that stay in my mind..

Which hurts my soul to the core and torment me like ghosts that haunts me.

I find no line between pain and going in vain.

I feel ashame to be alive, and want to end this cycle of suffering.

But cannot accept the whole thing yet.

Do I matter at all? Or does the wind follow the course of life?

Should I do the same and forget who I was to the beginning?

And run free into this world?

Or let the dark consume me til I am none..

And disappear into the void..

I suffocate in this way of thinking..

It makes me realise how much I am more than enough.

That I am the one to save from all of this.

Even if I know I will be one person and only myself.

At least, my life matter to me now.

And no one shall say otherwise.

So, lately I have been busy.

I try to go back to school and learn stuff. I really want to be accepted at the school because I need my HS degree so

then I can go to college and learn programming. Yeah, have to wait for 2-3 weeks and then if I am back in studying

I will be very occupied.

I dropped out of HS back when I was 16 years old, and I feel the necessity to return and get my diploma.

It will take me awhile to make content in here. But I do not want to go on hiatus.

Still when to make games and stories.

When I get the diploma and the college degree.

Things will change, and I will be proud of myself.

I really have the ambition to turn into a decent programmer and focus on making games.

And I dream to become a game developper since my childhood.

I have thousands of ideas that need to be finished.

Don't want that to die with me when I am gone.

I just hope to be accepted in school and get good grades.

So that's about it. See ya NG

Here is a question that came to me while I was in deep reflection.

Do we matter or does the world matter more?

My answer is, both matter.

We as humans need to accept our lives, and need a planet to live on.

So it is essencial to agree on both matters.

Because if we do not, we will die.

Like that, if I decide that I don't matter anymore. It will be the end of me.

And if the world doesn't matter to me, I sure will die because of that sense of thinking.

So over all, life and death are what made us understand the universe.

We are the only creatures on earth who have capability to craft and destroy.

That inclued ourself..

We can craft our lives, or we can destroy it all..

It is a little scary when I think about it, because the human race is what the planet earth made..

We lived long enough to become the real thing that can change the current time.

But the question is now, what will happen later?

My idea is that the human race will eventually stop doing wrong little by little.

But this is just a theory.

Anyway, that was it about my philosophy.

My story is good, but I realise that I am bad at english..

And I make mistakes in one entry which doesn't follow the chronollogy..

I am so sorry..

Anyway, beside that I do my best to write everything that seem good.

I keep writing the Detective's Diary.

My only problem is now that I know the story will have many side stories and that will ask me to be

very accurate in it. But, that won't be much a big concern.

I try to avoid getting too dark.

One of the entries was so obscure that I was afraid to wrote it down.

But I did it anyway. Kinda happy that it didn't last long.

Other than that, I think the story is pretty good.

I will explore more themes in this plot soon.

But not yet.

Need to add more characters too, with real flesh out backstories.

I am stuck at the end of the last entry of The Detective's Diary.

I know what the future is going to be in it, but I lack the logical situations.

The dialogue and everything..

I know the ending thought.

It's gonna take awhile to get there..

But the true ending is gonna be really interesting.

Can't wait for it!

I am honest, I am still learning from many things.

The three major things that I am focused on is.

• Writing.
• Drawing
• Programming

These three are the pillars of my mind, if I don't have strenght in one of the three, my fondation might fall.

So this is why I want to take 6 months before making a new game showcase for N.G Noire. The fact that

I have no experience in programming, make this 10 times harder.

Since I have better understanding in writing and drawing. These two are still what makes me keep going.

But the programming part is not left behind. For now I try to focalise myself in things that are way

easier. So my spirit can grow in short time.

I will take a week to comprehend some new programming functions, maybe make a new game that is out of

N.G Noire project, so I can learn new stuff from the get go. Since we are half in the summer now, I think

planning for this year will be about going back to school and get a college degree.

It will take a chunk of my life, but it will be worth it.

It's better than wasting time in a day to day job and getting now where style, since living on paycheck to

paycheck isn't a pleasure. It is more like a torture for me. I have many ideas in my brain, and want

to make big things in my life that matter to me.

I want to succeed and arrive at the top of that mountain than get back to where it all started.

There is nothing to stop someone from making good choices, as long it is possible.

My only problem is that I have to take time for each project.

My project N.G Noire is way more ambitious than I though it would be.

It started with little ideas, than turned into a giant one.

And I realised soon it might be too much hard to begin with, so I prefer

to start smaller. Way smaller than a big game that takes too much of my

time.

If I can compare two projects.

The detective's Diary is a breeze of fresh air and N.G Noire is too big to ever be a real project for now.

The reason for this is the fact The Detective's Diary is a direct result.

But N.G Noire ask me to put even more effort than I ever have.

And with the fact people want to see real good result, it makes me anxious.

So, as a result. I take more time to do stuff with this project than the other.

The Detective's Diary makes me relax, give me more pleasant feelings and people

that read it does't judge me for mistakes of anykind. I see freedom in that project.

But I do no reject the N.G Noire idea.

I just need more skills right now in making games. Which is a pain for me.

I don't know much in this stuff and so I expect a lot from myself.

I should make little games first, than start to go bigger and bigger.

Hope it works.

So, I talk to my family and they like the story I made here.

I know my focus is centered on The Detective's Diary

since after the first showcase of N.G Noire.

But I actually realise I am more of an author and an artist

than being a programmer. At least for now.

My ideas are still there, thought.

Anyway, my big brother told me he wants to know the ending.

That he likes the character and etc. I guess that's on me now.

My mother give me advise for the story too.

She read a lot of detective stories, and like police drama.

So I have her as an advisor.

I started to write stories when I was a kid, and my passion

evolved since then. My knowledge is still rising, I know

I don't know enough in most of things.

But thank god for the internet. I can check stuff before

making it into my story.

I am learning through this.

I hope everyone enjoy the wait before I put more entries

in The Detective's Diary. I really do not want to rush

the course of the story and miss stuff that matters.

Or over do stuff..

I want to respect the promise.

I mean I try to.

Time will tell if I am good at this.

I asked Tom Fulp to edite the text in The Detective's Diary.

Thanks to him, I can finally say John W. Colts is 57 rather than 47 years old.

That and some mispelling got changed.

But the rest will stay the same.

I am near to change many things in the future next entries.

The part where John is with Garry in the cabin is dragging too much.

But, there is a reason to that.

I don't want to ignore any details, but the majority of the information is there now.

Guess a little time skip is necessary.

I am done with all the preparation of the battle John will face on.

A battle against corruption, clonage and much more.

Maybe there is some secrets that John didn't discovered yet.

Anyway, just want to say that I am still working on the game too.

I am not ready to publish anything about it.

But, it's still in my mind.

The detective's diary is much easier to make, since I am better at writting

then programming.

I won't say I am perfect though, need to learn from few mistakes.

My drawing skills are beyond what it used to be.

I will keep on the good work.